Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
