Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
