so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
