Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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