He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
