I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
