this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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