coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
