The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
