we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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