I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
