I wish my penis had an off switch
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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