tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
