I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
