I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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