Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
