my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
