dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
