Can i not drive my cunt home
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
