Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
