I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
