There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize