Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
