PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
