He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
