one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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