I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
