apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
