so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
