You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
