but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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