who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think your dad took our porno
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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