One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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