oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
