there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
