Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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