Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I will be naked everywhere
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need water and some morals
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
