well I can't set my house on fire every night
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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