handjob tips. give me some.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
