i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
