You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
