I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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