I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
