I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
