Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
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