My underwear smells like fireworks.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
