organizing the empties. That sober.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
