My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
