in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize