He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
