I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
