Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
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