Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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