Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
