I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
3 2 1 whiskey
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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