Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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