I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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